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25 March 2000
DAMAGED GOODS
I once dated a wonderful woman, who, when we first started dating, explained right up front that she was not "marriage material." Later in the relationship, after it had blossomed into a sincere love, in a moment of self-doubt she said, "Face it, I'm damaged goods."
Fortunately, so are we all. The longer I live, the more I realize that there is only one person who can lay claim to the adjective "undamaged" and even He was tortured and made to suffer both physically and spiritually. But what about the rest of us mere mortals? Does the fact that we have accumulated and will accumulate a lifetime of emotional nicks, dents, cuts, bruises and scars mean that we're unworthy of the love that has been the fodder for poets and bards ever since some artist drew that first heart to try and express the longing-ache in his or her breast? Does it make the hope which we have, for the present, either nourished or forsaken any less palpable? Is it really better to be a selfish, bitter, cynical loner (or even a generous, happy, optimistic loner) who settles for a lifetime of mere physical gratification, rather than risk an up-and-down, give-and-take, win-and-lose, long-term committed marriage relationship?
Not in my book.
Being damaged goods is no excuse to continue in the practice of hurting oneself and others. Granted, severe abuse can take years of personal effort and counseling to overcome and perhaps during such a period it is better not to risk further damage through either false commitment or through promiscuity. At some point, however, the burden of choice rests upon each of us. Do we choose to remain focused on the "damage" or the "good" in us. By focusing long enough on the good, it doesn't take long to realize that mutual commitment to a loving marriage partnership is the only path that offers hope to truly heal the damage once and for all. Soulmates may be made in Heaven, but true committed marriage relationships are made on earth, by two people who are willing to submit their individual wills to the good of the marriage; not just once, at the altar, but now, in each and every new moment.
All well and good, coming from a guy who's been through two failed marriages. I admit, I blew it: the first time, because I was so far into party mode that I didn't even care what it was doing to my spouse and my children; the second time, because instead of focusing on the real issues we needed to resolve, I sought approval in the arms of another, then another, then another. In the ensuing years, I've had plenty of time to evaluate just where I went wrong and how to correct the problem. I've proven to the extent a single person can do so, that it is corrected. My final test will come with one final go at the marriage vows.
Will I get the opportunity? Will I succeed? I believe so. I believe that, unlike an appliance, whose shipment was damaged during a train derailment, I have within me the God-given ability as a sentient, adult human being to heal, fully and completely; to be a whole person. I've been observing my healing process for years now, having been through the open wound stage, emergency soul-surgery, followed by a long period of unconsciousness and "coming-to," the popping of a few stitches during tentative relationships, and some faltering steps, accompanied by a recent fall, due to a rejected proposal. But now, I'm back on my feet. Right now I'm in that stage where the old scar itches a lot. That's a sure sign it's pretty-well healed.
Maybe we've already met and loved before; maybe we haven't; but to that One I know is out there: I'll scratch yours, if you'll scratch mine.
-wiz
25 March 2000(author's note 12-16-2000: Things worked out better than I could have ever hoped! Today, I remarried the mother of my children and, as one song from my 'culture' puts it: "All is well, All is Well.")
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